I Never Wanted to be Wrong so Badly…

Morals and beliefs are two very different things. I find that people can change their beliefs all the time, but your morals make up who you are, they are the foundation to anyones’ essence, their own character is made from their morals. So for me a person can change everything about them. They can become bitter with time and age;become wiser and everything else. Its not thoughts, with time everyone’s thoughts change so rapidly.

Idk its more than that, its deeper than that. Its what generally ties someone with another person. Look past all the simple stuff… It’s one’s character that ties another to them eternally. It’s what time can never change. Its a connection that cannot be severed. its a very old honor system that I cannot explain that well..These are the things that keep people together. That makes marriages last. These are the things that make love real that make heartbreak so sad.

These are the things that very few people have… This is a true friendship. Its the stuff that makes true love. True love isn’t romantic is has nothing to do with sex or carnal pleasures Its this stuff.

I had a friendship like this once, I will never go back to something less than that. No I am not a loner. I just desire heaven, once tasted it.

What happened?

I was too left they were too right. Youth and immaturity happened. It was too late once we realized what we both had lost.

Now the only thing to do is wait for time to heal our wounds… I hope to the heavens that I am wrong; that two years will be more than enough time. I never wanted to be wrong so badly…

FUCK YOU THURSDAY!!!

Possibly the most stressed I’ve been in forever. 

I’m losing my voice.

Had another paper and oral presentation due.

Working on 3 hours of sleep.

Haven’t been in my room since 9am

Working 

Broke my phone

Dealing with my father and verizon.

I haven’t eaten yet.

ROOM DRAW

Today is over… 

I am Tom Hensen of Somerset New Jersey…

I’ve been replaying everything over and over and over again.  And then one day it just stopped. The thinking, the regretting…You. I no longer hope that you secretly follow me and still read my post. After seeing you and getting my stuff back, that was it. That was definite. There was no hoping that you would prove me wrong, that you would have some ridiculous speech about why I was worth fighting for. I actually just don’t know what I was waiting for these last couple of days. I watched you from where I was sitting and it just felt so surreal. It was like you disappeared one minute and then you were there but only slightly visible. It was so weird to watch you and to see you interacting with other people. No part of me was anger or sad there was nothing more than curiosity…. I’d realize then, in that moment, that I was falling into this weird monotonous  pattern or just being. Not acting on anything and being silent and coasting from day to day.

I was pushing to not fall into being used or doing the using. I want to care. And the sad thing is that since you I haven’t thought about anything. Always in a state of just being. And then she started talking about you and I started getting angry. Not because of what she was saying but just because she was talking about you. I wanted to scream ” Shut the fuck up and move on, there’s no need to keep bringing her up. We are not in elementary school. This isn’t Mean Girls. Stop being so petty.” Instead I was silent and started removing myself from all things that were my past. I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to be in some stupid version Gossip Girl. I don’t want to create a friendship that was pretty much falling apart out of assumed bitterness. I’m not gonna be apart of this notion of choosing side. I am not on Team Octavia vs. Team Ji… Its so annoying.  

Last Night Happened. I got very drunk and didn’t try to impress anyone or care about what they were all saying. I am angst. I generally have a distaste from most people. I hate seeing people be overtly happy. It doesn’t seem real to me. Its all to easy. So i got drunk and I got quiet and I didn’t try to be something that I wasn’t for the first time in awhile. I ignored txt because I don’t have anything to say that would so that i care when I honestly don’t.  I saw EO and he asked me if I was pissed at him. I told the truth, you sir are douche and that is not why I don’t like you. You are extremely over confident and you think very lowly of women. I used you for just sex and you tried to make me seem as If I was attached to you when I could give to fucks. I wanted to have a friend and you thought I wanted to date you. He said he was sorry, like actually apologized for being an idiot. We will never be friends but I respect that in any one you admit you are wrong and that you fucked up and suddenly all the bullshit of yesterday can be excused. 

I made a new friend HH and she is interesting. I actually didn’t understand half of the things that she was saying esp towards the end of the night when my memory began to evade me. I kept thinking that her voice reminded me of Kristen Stewart and that she seemed to hate almost everyone that was in the room. She came back to my room and we got high as clouds and started talking about nothing of importance but it felt nice. We have almost nothing in common. She is quite well off and is innately intelligent, something that I have only found in one of my other friends EF. She will be abroad next year and I am not making up alternatives where she and I will be friends and hang out and all that other unrealistic bullshit.  It was just nice to not feel alone for once. I’ve been around people a lot but it still felt as if I was the only one in the room… 

I woke up this morning and felt like shit. Literally throwing up and having nose bleeds and throwing up some more and sleeping to get take away the pain of being awake and dealing with a hangover. I was sick and needed food but I was too weak to even make it out of my room. I needed someone I needed help. Sad thing was that there was nobody I could think of asking. I asked Ferd but I knew that that wouldn’t get me anywhere. Its weird when you begin to never expect anything from anyone, this is the weird place that I am at not. I needed to wait until I was strong enough and when I was I had to take care of myself. Realizing that I can do this on my own, I don’t need to rely on others. Its so weird bc now that I have that I should be going abroad I am ready for it now. I don’t need to wait for a new year to start in order to change who I am or deal with myself. Its all happening when it needs to. 

I am Tom Hensen of Somerset New Jersey and I have been disillusioned with just about everything after meeting Summer. I am looking forward to my encounters with Autumn…

Metamorphosis

(via superhum4nn)

I Don’t Think About You Anymore but, I Don’t Think About You Any less

Day 9

I’m uncomfortable with everything. I swear I ‘ve lost my cool lol…

Day 6 

I enjoy and hate your company at the same time…

I also just want to kiss you simply because I’m curious as to how it may feel.

You are such a weird human being and I love it and love you…

Last night was the first time we talked about us and I let you know how I really felt about you and I caught you up with whats been going on with me… 

I’m glad that I’m not just your psychiatrist. =D